As the holiday season draws near, the world around us seems to burst with festive lights, joyful music, and gatherings filled with laughter. But for those of us carrying the weight of grief, this time of year can feel like a painful contrast to the celebrations unfolding around us. Last year, as I faced my first Christmas without my mum, I felt a deep ache, mixed with moments of disconnection from the world’s holiday cheer.
Grief is a journey without a set path or timeline, and waves of sadness often resurface, especially on meaningful dates when we used to share moments with our loved ones. For me, those were birthdays, Mother’s day, Father’s day, Christmas, and New Year’s eve, to name a few. Those occasions that used to be full of love and connection can now feel especially challenging. In recent years, since I moved to England, we always stayed in touch through video calls.
Elisabeth Kübler-Ross, renowned for her work on grief, introduced the idea of the Five Stages of Grief: denial, anger, bargaining, depression, and acceptance. It’s important to remember that these stages are not linear and that you may experience them in any order or even revisit them over time. You might find yourself feeling anger one day and acceptance the next, only to cycle back to sadness later. In my experience, mindfulness has offered a way to honour grief, providing space to cultivate peace and presence without striving for an 'ideal state'.
The essence of grief: Love unexpressed
Andrew Garfield described grief in a way that deeply resonates with the love we carry for those we’ve lost. He said, 'Grief is all the unexpressed love; the love that we didn’t get to tell them. All of that unexpressed love gathers in the corners of your eyes, the lump in your throat, and in that hollow part of your chest. Grief is just love with no place to go.'
This understanding of grief as unexpressed love can be both heartbreaking and beautiful. It’s a reminder that the depth of our grief is a reflection of the love we hold, and mindfulness invites us to honour that love by holding space for it, even when it feels overwhelming.
For a gentle, heartfelt explanation of grief, here’s a moving video where Andrew Garfield discusses his own grief and how much he misses his mum, in a conversation with Elmo from Sesame Street. It beautifully illustrates how it’s OK to feel the sadness of missing someone we love. Watch the video below.
It’s OK to cry
Sometimes, grief feels like a physical weight, and one of the healthiest ways to release that weight is through tears. Crying is a natural and healing way to process emotions. If you find yourself tearing up, let the tears flow without judgement. Remember, there’s no weakness in crying – it’s a sign that your heart is open and willing to feel.
For a compassionate way to work through difficult emotions, you might try the RAIN meditation practice. RAIN stands for Recognise, Allow, Investigate, and Nurture. It’s a guided process that can help you acknowledge your feelings, create space for them, and offer yourself deep compassion.
Practical mindfulness tips for cultivating calm
The following mindfulness practices are offered as gentle invitations, not prescriptions. Grief is deeply personal, and what feels supportive for one person may not resonate with another. I encourage you to approach these tips with a sense of curiosity and compassion, adapting them in ways that feel meaningful to you. Try what resonates, and feel free to let go of anything that doesn’t. Trust your intuition as you navigate your unique journey with mindfulness.
1. Mindful breathing when overwhelmed
Grief can come suddenly and feel overwhelming, especially in moments that remind us of what we’ve lost. When this happens, I’ve learnt to turn to my breath or the sensations of the feet on the floor as a grounding anchor.
Practice: When emotions surge, pausing and placing a gentle hand on your heart. Perhaps taking a few long, deep, intentional breaths, breathing in to a count of four and breathing out to a count of eight. With each breath, reminding yourself, “It’s OK to feel this way.” Allowing yourself to be present with the sensation of grief, whether you are in the anger stage, feeling waves of sadness, or experiencing any other part of your grief journey. Remember, the intention is to cultivate a sense of acceptance for whatever arises, without needing to change it. |
2. Creating space for grief
Sometimes, amidst the busyness of the season, we need intentional moments to honour our loved ones and acknowledge our grief. This might mean setting aside a quiet time to reflect, journal, or engage in a ritual that feels meaningful to you.
Practice: Consider lighting a candle in honour of your loved one, placing it somewhere special in your home. You might sit in silence, look through photos, or write them a letter. If you find yourself in the bargaining stage – reflecting on “what if” scenarios or wishing things had been different – perhaps allowing yourself to acknowledge those thoughts without judgement. Remember, the intention is not to achieve closure but to cultivate a space where grief can be met with gentleness. |
3. Compassionate self-talk
Grief is hard enough without adding self-judgement. During the holiday season, you may feel pressure to 'be happy' or to participate in celebrations you’re not ready for. Mindful self-compassion can be a powerful tool for soothing yourself during these moments.
Practice: If guilt or self-criticism emerges, try speaking to yourself as you would to a dear friend. You could say, 'I’m doing the best I can,' or 'It’s OK to feel sad.' If you’re feeling the depression stage of grief, reminding yourself that these emotions are a natural response to loss. Placing a hand on your heart or giving yourself a gentle hug can amplify this compassion. Sometimes, a simple reminder that you are worthy of kindness can help you cultivate a sense of comfort, even if it’s fleeting. |
4. Mindful moments amidst the festivities
It’s natural to feel conflicted about experiencing joy while grieving. Mindfulness invites us to savour small moments of joy when they arise, without guilt or the expectation that they must replace our sadness.
Practice: If you find a moment of warmth or laughter, take a mindful pause to appreciate it. Maybe it’s the glow of the Christmas lights, the warmth of a favourite holiday drink, or the way the decorations sparkle on the tree. Let yourself experience these moments fully, knowing that acceptance does not mean the grief is gone, but rather that you are cultivating ways to live with it. Grief and joy can coexist, and it’s OK to feel both. |
A gentle reminder
As the holiday season approaches, please remember that grief is a testament to the love we’ve shared. It’s complex, often bringing waves of emotion when we least expect it. The stages of grief can offer a framework for understanding our experiences, but remember that your journey is unique. Mindfulness doesn’t make the pain go away, but it offers a compassionate way to hold our grief, to sit with it rather than pushing it away.
If you’re grieving, know that you are not alone. Be gentle with yourself, honour your loved ones in the ways that feel right to you, and trust that it’s OK to feel everything – from deep sorrow to small sparks of joy.
Note: While mindfulness can be a supportive practice for holding emotions in awareness and learning to observe and sit with discomfort, there are times when the guidance of a therapist or mental health professional is more appropriate. If your grief feels overwhelming or unmanageable, don’t hesitate to reach out for professional support. Seeking help is a sign of strength, and it’s a compassionate step toward healing. |
This season, let mindfulness be a companion, guiding you to cultivate both the pain of loss and the precious memories you carry.
Mindfulness Mentoring
If you feel that you’d like additional support on this journey, my Mindfulness Mentoring service is designed to offer a safe and compassionate space. Together, we can explore practices to help you navigate grief with kindness, developing presence and self-compassion each step of the way. If you’re interested in learning more, you’re welcome to book a Discovery Session to connect and see if this approach feels right for you.
With love and gentle presence,
Pili
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