Radical Forgiveness: A Practice for meeting our inner critic with compassion

When I first encountered Radical Forgiveness, I was in a place of sadness, stress, and disappointment. I had recently gone through heartbreak and felt hopeless about my love life. Professionally, things were going well, but inside I sensed something blocking me from moving forward.

In Radical Forgiveness terms, I was living in full victim mode. I thought forgiveness meant reaching out to the other person, having a conversation, and making amends — but that was not an option, as we had parted ways on bad terms, and it was also quite painful. I felt resistant, and honestly, sceptical.

I like to think it was fate that led me to a Radical Forgiveness course, guided by my mindfulness teacher. Forgiveness felt like such a foreign concept, almost unreachable. Yet my teacher would often remind us: “trust the process.” So that’s exactly what I chose to do.

Faking it until I made it

At first, I didn’t feel much change. Others in the group were having breakthroughs, while I felt stuck. Comparing myself to others was not helpful at all, but the teacher encouraged me to “fake it until you make it” — as Colin Tipping (the method's own creator) himself would say. So, I kept going, both in class and in my own practice at home.

I worked hard on this. I read the book, every chapter. I completed the worksheets. I actively participated in class. I cried — a lot. And through it all, I kept trusting the process.

There was something deeply cathartic in telling my story and allowing myself to be witnessed. The other women in the course gave me an unexpected gift: they became loving and compassionate witnesses to my pain. That simple act of being seen and acknowledged helped me feel less alone. In the shared humanity of suffering — each of us carrying different stories — there was also a shared compassion that allowed healing to unfold.

Slowly, something shifted. By the end of the course, I began to touch a deep sense of peace and calm I hadn’t known for a long time. One night, as I went to bed, I realised that there was nothing left to forgive. I felt lighter, free to move forward. I know it might sound as magic, but that's what happened to me.

The four steps to freedom 🕊️

The Radical Forgiveness framework offers a short yet powerful practice called the “Emerge-n-See Four Step Process.” Each step helps us shift our perspective, soften judgement, and open to healing.

1. Look what I created.

   This step reminds us that we are the creators of our lives. It asks us to take responsibility — not blame. At first, I confused it with self-blame, feeling guilty for choosing or staying with the wrong person. But over time I understood: I deserved better, and this experience was part of my learning journey. Every situation, even painful ones, can arrive as an opportunity for growth or healing.

2. I notice my judgements and love myself anyway.

   Here, the task is to become aware of the stories and beliefs we attach to the situation: “I always choose wrong,” “I’m not lovable,” “There’s no one for me in this world.” Noticing how harsh my inner critic could be was eye-opening. The truth is, we all do this. As humans, we automatically weave interpretations and judgements. This step reminds us that even in the midst of those stories, we can choose self-compassion.

3. I am willing to see the perfection in the situation.

   This was the hardest step for me. How could there be “perfection” in heartbreak? Yet, leaning in — even faking it at first — opened me to the possibility of a higher purpose. Perhaps this painful experience carried lessons about self-worth, love, and growth. This step invites us to trust that there may be meaning hidden within the challenge, helping us evolve and grow spiritually.

4. I choose the power of peace.

   This is where the weight begins to lift. I realised I didn’t need to hold onto the need to be right. Arguments with friends or family didn’t need “winners.” By choosing peace, I chose freedom. It was a conscious act of releasing the struggle and stepping into a lighter, more compassionate way of being.

The transformative power of Radical Forgiveness

The first thing I noticed after going through this process was a new lightness in how I approached life. I was no longer tied to the past, ruminating or replaying my previous relationships. Letting go gave me a different perspective: I made new friends, I went out and enjoyed myself on my own, and I came to the realisation that my true purpose in life was to be happy — and that I had all the power to make it happen.

It was precisely when I released the expectation of finding a partner and focused instead on myself, my well-being, and my joy, that the person who would become my husband appeared. That transformation taught me that forgiveness is not about resignation or forgetting, but about opening ourselves to live with more freedom, love, and trust in life.

From forgiveness to self-compassion

What struck me most was how Radical Forgiveness wasn’t about excusing others or condoning what happened. It was about transforming my own story — stepping out of victimhood and into empowerment.

Here’s where mindfulness became essential. My mindfulness practice helped me notice the emotions, thoughts, and body sensations that arose when I felt angry, resentful, or critical of myself. It gave me a pause to ask: Why is this affecting me? What is this mirroring?

Together, mindfulness and Radical Forgiveness became complementary tools: one bringing awareness to the present moment, the other helping me reframe the past with compassion and meaning.

For your journal ✍️

As you read this, you might want to pause and consider:

• Where does my inner critic show up most strongly?

• Is there a situation (at work, in a relationship, or with myself) where I’m holding onto the need to be right?

• What would it feel like to choose peace, even if just for today?

Radical Forgiveness doesn’t happen in an instant. Sometimes, it really is about faking it until you make it. But in time, it can shift the way we relate to ourselves and others — softening judgement, easing resentment, and opening the door to self-compassion.

This process was not easy, but it was worthwhile. I felt so empowered by it that I chose to share what I had learned with other women. That’s why I became a Radical Forgiveness Coach. We are deserving of happiness, and holding grudges only keeps us stuck in the past.

💗 This November, may we remember that forgiveness is not something we do for others — it’s a gift we give ourselves.

👉 Curious to explore more? Learn about my approach as a Radical Forgiveness Coach.